The art of difficult conversations

Welcome back to this week’s newsletter where I want to dive into, every leaders favourite topic, having difficult conversations. This is something that a lot of people leaders fail at or do plain badly.

Difficult conversations can relate to anything from giving feedback through to dealing with a difficult team situation.

How many of us has experienced something like this with their manager?

Manager: Hi Sam, I need to talk to you about the situation with Frank.

Sam: Ok

Manager: It was upset to see how angry you got with Frank. I do like the way that you have pushed the team to deliver some great results, keep it up.

Or something like this…

If your manager gives you feedback like this, how would you feel after? Yes the manager covers a small part of the ‘issue’. But overall you would leave the meeting either confused or based on the ‘keep it up’ very positive?

Believe it or not the dialogue is true feedback session that happened. And the feedback from the individual was confusion and positive. The confusion was on the unclarity of the situation with “Frank”. And the managers feedback on this situation, message was understood and wouldn’t be an issue going forward.

Situations like these occur too often. The worst part of these conversations is that too many people walk away with different thoughts on the overall outcome of the meeting. Resulting in completely different outcomes. Not only that but the situation has not been resolved and this means that the situation will continue to occur. If you as the manager found the first discussion awkward, having to do the whole thing again will be even more awkward.

Is there a way of giving feedback well? Can it be done well?

I wouldn’t say well but there are processes and structures that you can use that will help you to be a lot clearer in your communication and ensure that the situation is resolved with a good action plan.

Framework 1: SBI Model

The first framework I want to look at is the SBI model. This framework is very easy and effective and be used in giving good and bad feedback as well as handling difficult conversations. I would recommend using this model if you are a first time manager or not handled feedback conversations previously. The reason for this is that it helps you focus on the core issue or situation.

SBI stands for Situation, Behaviour and Impact.

Situation

In the situation you would be looking to cover off the situation or the instance that happened. Here you want to focus on explaining the actual item you want to talk about. The focus here should be on facts and not emotions.

This is preparing the individual for the conversation and making them aware of what is you want to talk about. This helps them mentally prepare but also remind themselves of the instance.

Behaviour

Next you want to discuss and highlight what the behaviour they did (can be good or negative) that you wish to discuss. Highlight here again the specific situation, get really specific with what occurred. This will help you to explain why this was a challenge and something to improve or continue.

Impact

This is where you describe in detail the overall impact this had on the team, an individual or yourself. It is at this point that discussing emotional side is fine, describe how the individual felt. You will need to get into the specific situation and help them to understand how their behaviour had an impact.

This section should be the link to the entire situation.

Once you have gone through and the model this is where you need to pause and allow the individual to respond. Having these conversations is not about stating your thoughts and moving on its about creating a space for a conversation to work on how to move forward and improve going forward.

The goal here is to help the individual see the impact of their actions in either positive or negative view and work with them on the best course moving forward.

Framework 2: GROW Model

If you are experienced or have dealt with difficult conversations previously or looking at more of a good framework for coaching your employees then looking at the GROW model can be really helpful.

This works exceptionally well when coaching others through situations or goals. It can apply to the feedback but has a lot of requirement in discussion meaning you will need to ensure you are sticking and following model as well as active listening. Hence why I personally recommend learning the SBI model before jumping to others.

Goal

Here you will focus on the overall goal of the discussion and what are the desired outcomes for them as well as yourself. Let this part be guided by them your role is asking the questions and adding anything further if needed. This part sets the scene for the broader conversation.

Reality

Look at the current situation and how this is different to the Goal. Get into the specifics and discuss the behaviours. At this section stick with facts of the challenge. This will help set thinking for the other sections as well.

Feel free to ask follow up questions to understand their thoughts and feelings on the situations. “How do you feel about X behaviour?” This can help when looking at the next area.

Options

At this point you want to start working with them to think about possible options moving forward. Your role here is to ask questions and help them come up with available solutions to move forward. As the manager you shouldn’t be looking at suggesting solutions but thinking about a conversation with the individual on the best options to move forward for them.

Will (Way Forward)

This is often referred to as will or way forward. Once the discussion has been had on the overall options its now about agreeing on the actual action points moving forward. What are the agreements or timeline for moving forward.

Here it would also be worth having this written down and agreed upon. Again your role as manager is hold accountability and not to take ownership this should be done by the individual themselves.

The GROW model is a great way to shift into coaching as a leader. Some of the most effective leaders use the GROW model and coaching with their staff more than poor leaders. If you aren’t in the habit of coaching I would highly recommend spending some time learning this skill.

Conclusion

Providing feedback or having difficult conversations doesn’t have to be horrible, these can be great spaces to help people to learn and move forward in their career goals or personal development too.

As a manager your role is to help people move forward through coaching and asking the hard questions.

This week why not try and follow one of these frameworks with your team, test this and try and get some feedback on this too.

Book recommendation

I really enjoy reading and read a lot of different books, this week I want to share my go-to book for all first time managers.

The Making of a Manager by Julie Zhuo and can be purchased here.

Why get this book

This book covers literally everything you need if you are starting out your role as a manager. This should be every managers bible for managing and leading teams as they start in their careers.

It was the book I used as I train and even taught myself to manage!

Until next week…keep on leading well

PS I love free stuff…don’t we all?

I am giving away free mini-course here. This course is designed to help you in your first 90 days as manager.

Please share this newsletter with others if you have found it really helpful.